Hi, this is Elijah.Did I meet you at our ice cream social last month? Or maybe at Friday Fest or Northern Pride lunch or the first Prism community gathering? You may remember me attempting to start a conversation but looking pretty uncomfortable. Maybe you noticed my eyes scanning the room, looking like I wanted to escape…
As much as I try to force myself to feel comfortable socializing, I can’t seem to escape my social anxiety.
I wonder how others feel in social situations. Are you comfortable talking about yourself? Does that question make you cringe sometimes?
Take the question “How are you?” Defined literally as “An informal greeting, not requiring a literal response" (from Wiktionary).
I don’t buy it.
How do you respond to a question that open-ended?? Either you respond with a bland “I’m good, lot of homework” which then leaves the conversation dangling and you’re left with nothing to talk about. Otherwise, if you know the person well, you assume they really want to know how you’re doing and you launch into a big problem complain-fest.
I trace the experience of lying about how I’m doing partially to my gender. Guys aren’t supposed to talk about feelings, I remember telling myself, so don’t be too honest with other people. I also think being a gay man may have influenced my awkwardness. I can recall countless occasions, usually at family parties, where family or friends would ask how I was doing and I’d want desperately to say to them “How am I doing? I’M GAY!!! I’M REALLY, REALLY GAY!!! ALL RIGHT?”
I’m curious to hear how others handle that question and in what circumstances you feel comfortable answering honestly. If you think “how are you” is a trivial example, are there other situations where your sexuality and/or gender identity impacts your ability to relate to and be honest with others?So if you see me there at a dance or some social event, smiling awkwardly from a corner and perhaps seeming to wish that I had a textbook, some homework, or a fiction novel to hide behind, you are more than welcome to come up and say “Hi.” Just… don’t follow that up with a “how are you” unless you really want to know.
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Well, to answer the question, I sometimes hesitate when I answer the "how are you" question as well. Usually when I'm hesitate, it's not around straight people, it's around gay people. When I go to gatherings, I feel like I am being judged by everyone in the room for not fitting the gay stereotype of dressing really good (even though I like what I wear) or I just feel really awkward in other ways, like I just don't "belong". For this reason, I don't really have many gay friends because I feel like I am being judged really harshly when I know that isn't the case, but it's what my mind tries to get me to believe. As far as not asking you, Elijah, "how are you" when I see you, I do care.
ReplyDeleteNeat twist on the original post Andrew, and thanks for the kind comment at the end. I hadn't considered how gay guys can be every bit as catty as straight ones. That certainly matches my experience having grown up without really ever being part of the in-crowd.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're saying you never really feel at home in mainstream gay culture. If that's the case, do you feel divided between gay and straight cultures?
Hey Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you speaking up about an issues that I hear a lot people talk about, and that is feeling like even within LGBT communities, there is a lot of focus on appearance, style, etc. There are a lot of people I know, especially gay men, who are frustrated by the emphasis on looks and body type. It can be disheartening that we as people who have been pushed to the margin in our society, then can turn around and replicate prejudice within our own community. Thankfully, I have met a lot of people who refuse to buy in to that mindset and who are confident in their individuality. In my family, we alway say, "Embrace your inner nerd" as a way to remind ourselves that we don't have to fit anyone's version of how to be, as long as we are happy with ourselves.