Wanted: Truly Comprehensive Sex Ed

What did you learn in sex ed? Did you hear anything about LGBT identity? If there had been more representation of queer identities when I was in K-12, I can’t help but wonder how much earlier I could have begun coming to terms with my own sexuality. Today's discussion of sex ed reform is still severely lacking as relates to LGB and especially T issues.

As part of welfare reform, congress passed legislation in 1996 apportioning $50 million in federal funds for sexuality education programs. This could have been a progressive step, except the funding must be used for abstinence-only-until-marriage programs. Since they’ve passed this legislation, there has been substantial opposition to the use of federal funds on these faulty programs. People are increasingly aware of this problem, but when will we see progressive steps taken to reform sexuality education?

What Sex-Ed Reform Will We See?

Research continues to support the need for comprehensive sex ed. U.S.-based research organizations such as the Sexuality Information & Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) and Advocates For Youth describe comprehensive sex ed as addressing both abstinence and age appropriate contraceptive use. My issue with these organizations is that their focus is on reforms that address issues of unwanted pregnancy and STD/STI prevention, but fail to give needed focus to other important sexuality education issues.

Where do LGBT Issues Fit In?

Issues of unwanted pregnancy and STIs affect the majority, and have substantial effect on the well-being of our nation. But what about sexual minorities? Why are we being left out??? Because we are a minority, it seems far easier for sex ed reformers to soft peddle the need for LGBT inclusion in sexuality education. I'm not saying that our needs are being completely ignored. SIECUS works to provide support of LGB inclusion through research, educator resources, and policy reform resources. I really feel like this isn’t enough.

What Can We Do?

I have a friend who identifies as trans who grew up in an area very politically similar to my own, and they always come to mind when I’m thinking about sex ed reform. Where I grew up, the population was very homogenously white, Christian, hetero-normative, and very trans-unfriendly. As a gay male, I couldn’t imagine coming out in that environment, and the lack of support contributed to my not coming out until my early 20’s. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be coming out as trans in that area. There seemed to be absolutely no representation of who I was in the people around me, or in the sex ed curriculum covered in school. There was little to no awareness, only a lot of homo and trans phobia. These are prime examples of the isolation and marginalization that make this reform such a personal issue to me, and probably to many of you.

We can advocate for reform in sex ed just like we’d advocate for anything else. We can work at this on a local level, informing local K-12 educators. We can express our concerns to our political representatives, especially when we hear of upcoming, relevant legislation. As a political entity, we, the LGBTQIA... population are very organized on issues like marriage and domestic partner benefits, issues that more directly affect those of us with privilege and the power to advocate. It seems like we focus so much on these issues that other issues tend to lose our attention. My hope with this post is not only to raise awareness about the need for sex ed reform, but to raise awareness of the need for our community to advocate for issues that less directly impact us.

A "Down Low" Dirty Shame on Black Male Sexuality

The “down low” phenomenon is nothing new -- the name we call it is new. The term is often used to describe the behavior of men who have sex with other men as well as women and who do not identify as Gay or Bisexual. In 2004, men on the down low were further exposed when J.L. King, author of On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men, appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show to talk about his lived experience of being on the down low. Although the “down low” phenomenon is frequently associated with Black men, the behavior is not unique to them. For instance, Jim McGreevey, the former governor from New Jersey, is a white man who could be labeled as “down low.”

When Oprah’s show on the topic was being advertised, I waited with great anticipation for it to air. When I watched the show I realized that nothing in the show or about the down low applied to me personally. I found myself getting angry because I think this man and men like J. L. King have given themselves a pardon by refusing to identify themselves as gay or bisexual, when in fact and by definition they are (with a capital G or B). They are men with sexual desires toward other men.

Men on the down low receive a lot of criticism. I want people to be able to look at the “down low” in a different perspective. I want people to be able to see these men not as sexual culprits and perpetrators of bad behavior, but as people just like you and me. I think many of these men are in a place of darkness wanting to come out into the light, hoping to find true happiness within themselves and their family and friends.

I have found myself on both sides of this phenomenon: I understand it and yet I don’t. This is what I think: I think the fact that men live on the down low is due to the lack of tolerance in our society and the fact that nobody wants to be stigmatized or disowned or rejected because of their sexual orientation. The potential negative reactions from friends and family can force you to want to hide your difference from the mainstream. It is a natural human response and defense mechanism. Many of us are socialized to think that being heterosexual is the only way to be. Black men, in particular, are given the message that they are only men when they are overly masculine. Homosexuality is equated with femininity and seen as weak and unacceptable. The many pressures of family, friends and others to be the “norm” and like your heterosexual counterparts are always there. This is why I think that many Black men would much rather hide their sexual intentions to avoid possible rejection, stigmatism and to fit in, instead of living a life they desire and set on their own terms and not by social constructs.

The difficulty I have is understanding how a man on the down low can choose to live life everyday not embracing his own truth by being honest with not only himself, but with his wife/girlfriend, children, and partners with whom he sleeps , not to mention putting other people at risk for HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

I feel fortunate that I’ve found myself and live life everyday knowing and embracing my own truth, my Gay identity and my own philosophy. I would not have it any other way. If I did not choose to come out of the closet, I would not have the joy of being loved for who I am. I would not have the opportunity to know the people I have come in contact with, if it wasn’t for me being open about my sexual orientation. Being open about who I am has given me the advantage of knowing my place in the world. I have found my hunger to advocate for young LGBTQA people and empower them to be a voice and know they have the potential to change the world. Sexuality is a vital part of who we are as people. I believe that when we are open about our sexuality we have a chance to change people’s attitudes and hearts.

I hope that men like J.L. King will find the courage to live a life of truth and find true happiness in themselves. In the end, it is not about saving face, but about saving lives.

I wonder what you think about the down low phenomenon. Should these men be labeled as “down low?” Can we find common ground and find ways to help these men be true to themselves and others around them? Should we create networks to help them with their inner struggles with their sexuality?

Queer Social Anxiety

Hi, this is Elijah.

Did I meet you at our ice cream social last month? Or maybe at Friday Fest or Northern Pride lunch or the first Prism community gathering? You may remember me attempting to start a conversation but looking pretty uncomfortable. Maybe you noticed my eyes scanning the room, looking like I wanted to escape…

As much as I try to force myself to feel comfortable socializing, I can’t seem to escape my social anxiety.

I wonder how others feel in social situations. Are you comfortable talking about yourself? Does that question make you cringe sometimes?

Take the question “How are you?” Defined literally as “An informal greeting, not requiring a literal response" (from Wiktionary).

I don’t buy it.

How do you respond to a question that open-ended?? Either you respond with a bland “I’m good, lot of homework” which then leaves the conversation dangling and you’re left with nothing to talk about. Otherwise, if you know the person well, you assume they really want to know how you’re doing and you launch into a big problem complain-fest.

I trace the experience of lying about how I’m doing partially to my gender. Guys aren’t supposed to talk about feelings, I remember telling myself, so don’t be too honest with other people. I also think being a gay man may have influenced my awkwardness. I can recall countless occasions, usually at family parties, where family or friends would ask how I was doing and I’d want desperately to say to them “How am I doing? I’M GAY!!! I’M REALLY, REALLY GAY!!! ALL RIGHT?”

I’m curious to hear how others handle that question and in what circumstances you feel comfortable answering honestly. If you think “how are you” is a trivial example, are there other situations where your sexuality and/or gender identity impacts your ability to relate to and be honest with others?

So if you see me there at a dance or some social event, smiling awkwardly from a corner and perhaps seeming to wish that I had a textbook, some homework, or a fiction novel to hide behind, you are more than welcome to come up and say “Hi.” Just… don’t follow that up with a “how are you” unless you really want to know.

Here's the Deal: One Gayby's Arguments on the Gay Marriage Debate

Guest Blogger: Marjorie Lamb Askins

Marjorie is a volunteer in the NIU Ally Program and a graduate student in Communication. She is allowing us to republish this blog entery here; it was originally published on May 2, 2009. You can follow Marjorie's personal blog at http://www.boldtypeface.blogspot.com/

”I find hope in what eyes don’t see / I find hope in your hate for me / Have no fear when the waters rise / We can conquer this great divide.” - Hanson, The Great Divide

I've recently been thinking a lot (as has the rest of the country) about gay marriage. I don’t need to tell you that recent legal actions in California, Iowa, Vermont, etc., as well as anti-gay rights propaganda disseminated by organizations like NOM (as well as a hilarious spoof by Colbert: video here) have brought the issue back to the forefront of public discourse. And, unfortunately, whenever everybody’s talking about something, the bigots get their say as well. Needless to say, as a gayby my hackles have been up of late.

To me, it seems very simple: All citizens of this country deserve to have the same rights.

I've been saying for quite some time that if I could just sit down with the people who oppose legally recognizing gay marriage and just talk to them, I could make them understand. And of course, this will happen. Over time, more and more people will discover that they have gay co-workers, bosses, teachers, students, family and (gasp!) friends, and that "the gays" are not so bad. In fact, they're just like us heteros.

But in the mean time, I've been working on what I would say, given the opportunity to talk to the haters out there. In fact, I frequently wonder what it would be like if I could assemble the Limbaughs, Coulters, and Santorums of the world, stand in front of them, and say: "I'm Marj. I have gay parents. No! It’s ok! Don’t be scared. I'm just going to tell you why they deserve to have the same rights that we have. Afterward, I'd be more than happy to take questions, but just shut up for a second and listen."

This is my half of that conversation:

Here's the deal. Marriage currently exists as two separate institutions. There's the religious institution, under which a faith (of the couple’s choosing) recognizes a couple's spiritual union. And then there's the legal institution, under which the government recognizes that two people operate as a unit (for legal and economic purposes). Gay people are not asking for a law that forces religions to recognize their unions: that would be unconstitutional – just like it's unconstitutional for one set of religious beliefs to dictate legal matters (see what I did there?). Gay folks are asking for a law that provides all the same rights from their government that straight couples receive. This is the problem with civil unions. They don’t provide the same rights to everyone. Remember “separate but equal”? It’s like that. For a list of rights afforded to straight, married couples that gay couples don’t receive, I encourage you to read the GAO report of 2004 (PDF here) or check out www.equalitymatters.org. Apparently, there are 1,138 of them. I have not counted them personally.

But, what about the CHILDREN? Won’t this destroy the “American Family” as we know it?

Well, first of all, there is no evidence (let me repeat that) NO EVIDENCE that children raised by gay parents suffer as a result. In fact, a study completed at Tufts University concluded that an analysis of 25 years worth of studies found no differences between the children of heterosexual parents and the children of homosexual parents “in terms of academic achievement, self esteem, or gender typical behavior. In fact, children of gay parents tend to be less aggressive, and more tolerant towards diversity.” See? It takes all kinds of families to make the world a better place. (Some of you may recognize this last bit from my ADS a couple of years ago. The research still stands.)

And ok, I’m gonna say it. That thing that gay families don’t normally say. Ready? Here goes: LGBT families are not perfect (Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest!). Sometimes, we have problems. We don’t always clean up after ourselves. We don’t always get to eat dinner together. We fight. We yell. Sometimes, there’s drug abuse, or spousal abuse, or child abuse. Sometimes, gay people make crappy parents. Sometimes, things just don’t go the way they’re supposed to. Ultimately, this is just evidence that our families are just like families with straight parents, or single parent families, or blended families, or inter-generational households, or any other type of family you could think of. These problems don’t happen in gay families because of the presence of gay people. These things happen because of the presence of humans. Further, in the more extreme cases of such problems, we need the help of governmental protection and civil rights, just like everyone else.

Personally, my parents were wonderful (all of my parents, the gay ones and the straight ones). I always had a roof over my head, food in the fridge, praise and discipline in appropriate amounts, and all the love a child can ask for. I’m currently a grad student at NIU, a teacher, and a coach. I vote. I try to make the world a better place. Some would call me a contributing member of society. I also have my faults. I’m self-centered. I’m very messy. I procrastinate. I talk too much. Sometimes, I make stupid choices. I’m not saying that because of my family my life is perfect. What I am saying is, despite the concerns that somehow my family would permanently mess me up, I’m fine. And so are the vast majority of gaybies out there. And I would like the haters to stop using us as an excuse for discrimination. It’s insulting.

So, there you have it. An explanation of why gay couples deserve the right to get married.

/Rant.

Any questions?

New Year, New People, Same Old STIs

The new school year is a great and exciting time to connect and make new friends on campus… but we all know some of those friendships can lead to more. For some that means finding the long-lasting relationship they’ve been looking for, but for others, that could mean the infamous one night stand. While these new relationships can be fun and exciting…getting a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) or an unwanted pregnancy is not.

I have been there before…you’re at a bar or party and meet someone that you are really attracted to, and you just want to take them back to your place and have some fun. Thing is I never follow through; I always have it in my mind about how awkward it will be in the morning when we wake up. Not only that but I just met this person and have no idea about their sexual history or if they are free of STIs. Even if they swear to me that they don’t have one, how do I know for sure? They just met me. What guilt do they have in lying to me?

Another thought that has crossed my mind -- and I know many other women who sleep with women have thought this before: it’s two women sleeping together so the odds of transmitting an STI is almost nonexistent. Like I said, that thought has crossed my mind but I know it is A COMPLETE LIE!!!! The risk of some STIs being transmitted between 2 women might be smaller than between 2 men or a man and woman, but the risk is still there. WE ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION!!

So my fellow female lovers, I ask you to think about the risks you are opening yourself up to when you don’t know your sexual partner that well. By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t sleep with that person; what I am saying, is if and/or when you choose to, know the risks and use protection. If your sexual partner is not willing to use protection or you are unsure how to start the conversation here are some tips on how to talk to them about safer sex. Also, be sure to get an STI test afterwards just to be safe. FYI, if you are a student here at NIU you can make an appointment at Health Services and get tested for free!

If you are a new, transfer, or even returning student you should know that you have a lot of safer sex options available to you, mostly free, right here on campus.

There are a couple places on campus that you can go get free safer sex supplies including, latex barriers at Health Enhancement and right here at the LGBT Resource Center. My guess is that many lesbians out there think that a condom has no use for them…wrong! A condom can be used to make a latex barrier for oral sex by just cutting it. If you are using a strap on it is always better to put a condom on it, especially if the dildo is not silicone (silicone is a non-porous material so bacteria has a harder time living there, click to find out more info on different types of materials). Also, if you are into anal and vaginal sex, using a condom will take away the time of having to clean between anal and vaginal sex. Condoms can be found at the LGBT Resource Center, Health Enhancement, Health Services, and in vending machines that should be in the bathrooms by the main lobbies of all the dorms.

Just remember safer sex is better sex!